Beginning

I wish this first post was a little less cliche than setting a weight loss goal the first week of January.  But its not. We will all have to deal with that. :)  I've read all the headlines this week. 9 out of every 10 new years resolutions fails before the end of the month. Super motivating isn't it?

This is different though. Something has switched inside me. I am totally broken.  And this can't continue.

I am finally ready. I have to do this. I need to do this. 

I really don't know how I got to "here".  "Here" being I place where I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.  I know it was cumulative. Life happened. In the last 6 years, I've totally lost myself. I am somewhere beneath all of this weight and I am so miserable.  And being miserable is effecting everyone around me. I want to be a good mom, and I want to be a good wife. I can't do either of those things without taking care of my own happiness first.

This was me 6 years ago at my wedding dress rehearsal and on my honeymoon.

Feeling healthy, gorgeous, happy and very centered.  Before I tied the knot, I committed to getting myself into what was probably the best shape of my life, so I would feel amazing on my wedding day and have zero regrets. 

Nailed it.

Then this happened.

We came home from our honeymoon pregnant!  What the what?!!  But my first pregnancy didn't come without its challenges. Aside from being a bit of a surprise, I ended up with preeclamsia - super high blood pressure that eventually started to impact my other organs.  That combined with buying and renovating our first house together made for a bit of a stressful 8-9 months.

3.5 weeks early due to my condition,  this little guy was born healthy and gorgeous. We were in love.

But, I gained FIFTY pounds while pregnant with Rory and due to my high blood pressure my opportunities to remain active during my pregnancy became very limited.  I don't have a ton of pictures of my pregnancy... isn't that sad?  Because I was THAT embarrassed and uncomfortable about my weight.  

However, I felt like the weight came off fairly easy after my first was born, with some effort of course.  I had an awesome group of moms in the city and we started taking our babies to the daycare at the gym for work outs during the day, and doing a boot camp at night together. I never quite got down to where I was before my wedding, but I don't remember being SUPER unhappy with my weight after my mat leave was over either. I was wearing a size 10, and I was ok with that heading back to the work world.

And before I even went back to work... This happened. Baby # 2 was on his way.

And a whole (short) 21 months after our little Rory was born, this little guy came into the world... 

Our second little guy was born, and mommy was once again FIFTY OR SIXTY pounds heavier (I had stopped counting). My second pregnancy was also not easy for me. I was SUPER sick for the first 6 months of the pregnancy, and when I was nine months pregnant Peter and I sold our housein Toronto and bought one in Ottawa. Peter got a job there quickly, so he moved ahead of us. I stayed with Rory for two more months alone in Toronto before our big move.

After Egan was born, I was super motivated to lose the weight (my bestie was getting married that summer!) and that combined with being OVERWHELMED at being home with two boys under two, the weight dropped pretty quickly. Probably too quickly. I lost 40 of those baby pounds in less than 4 months  by being anxious, smoking and not eating. All so I could walk down the aisle at my best friends wedding with a smile on my face. 

Below is us on her bachelorette in Toronto. I was about 170 lbs in this picture 3 months after Egan was born.

 

When Egan was about 4 months old though, things for me started to change. Being overwhelmed and a bit anxious eventually transitioned into full blown panic and anxiety attacks. Then rage... and massive bouts of uncontrollable crying. I loved my boys and my family so much, but the smiles became harder to fake and the time I was alone with them was void of enjoyment. 

I started to drink in the late afternoons before Peter came home to deal with my day and my mood. On one awful day when I had drank a WHOLE bottle of wine before Peter came home from work at 630pm, I knew it was time to speak with someone.  I was diagnosed with postpartum depression shortly after.

After A LOT of discussion, tears, and weighing of pros and cons, my doctor put me on an anxiety/depression medication and while I noticed an immediate change in my depression and in my anxiety, my weight rapidly started to climb. 

This is at Egan's baptism in the fall of 2012. I was already up about 14 lbs. In three short months, the first medication I was put on made me gain THIRTY pounds.  We made a change in my medication, but my weight just continued to climb.

To help my anxiety and depression, I decided to go back to work in December of 2012. Egan was only 8 months old, but both my husband and I and my doctor thought this would be a positive change for me.  Peter took the time off to fill the remaining paternity leave, which was so amazing for our little family and our boys.  I was clearly struggling, and the move we had made to Ottawa from Toronto and my career being such an unknown, was definitely contributing to my anxiety. I started work at the National Arts Centre just before Christmas in 2012.

I LOVED my job. In fact, I have never loved a job more. But unfortunately it didn't entirely love me back. Working for a non profit was amazing, but often stressful, and with a very lean marketing team there was a never ending list of work to do.  While it certainly helped my postpartum depression in many ways, it made it worse in others. I once again began depending on alcohol to wind down from my busy days and the stress of being a busy career mom and having two boys under 3 at home. The wine, combined with the way you eat when you drink 4 glasses of wine every night, just added to the weight gain.

I left my job at the NAC in September of 2014 and joined the Mint.  Immediately I also joined a gym and went on many different health kicks between then and now.  I failed at all of them. 

There was the mason jar salad diet.

The mason jar soup diet.

The gluten and sugar free cooking.

The green smoothies.

The whole eating.

and the off again, on again, working out.

And so many other things that will take too long to mention, and that I am too embarrassed to write about because they all were such a HUGE WASTE OF MONEY.

My intentions were always good, but with a full time and stressful career in marketing, a one hour commute to and from work, and two busy boys with busy schedules of their own, I have never been able to keep myself at the top or even ON my own priority list. 

Its been 1000 false starts, and when I have failed; I have let myself fail large, and I've just continued to gain weight.

At some point recently I think I gave up. For months I have been barely able to look at myself in a mirror. I have avoided social engagements because of how heavy I am, and I am terrified of running into people that haven't seen me in a long time.  A few times I have caught a glimpse of my full body in a window reflection or in a mirror that I didn't know was there, and I almost think I have been in a state of denial. That the person I was looking at couldn't possibly be me. There must be something wrong with that mirror.

I am at my HEAVIEST I have ever been in my life. That includes when I was nine months PREGNANT with my second child.  I can't even find pictures of me to post here because I rarely let them get taken, or I delete them immediately. That is so sad. I am completely missing from our Christmas pictures. The below picture is that last picture taken of our family together, it was last Christmas.

I desperately want to be THIS girl again. Light, healthy, balanced, happy, glowing, and FREE of the weight that is on me now. This picture was taken on my honeymoon 

But I am this girl.

Not pretty is it.  The HEAVIEST I have ever been. The UNHAPPIEST I have ever been.  

My next post I am going to record all my measurements and weight. Which is going to be devastating. I am writing this blog to help me be real about this journey, to be accountable,  to help me stay on track, and hopefully motivate me as I begin to see results.  And I do have a plan...